Vipassana and alcohol

So far, I haven't had a drink yet. Since October 1st, when I decided to do "Ocsober," I haven't had a glass of wine, beer, or liquor. Mentally and emotionally, I haven't been happier or more stable. I haven't woken up feeling horribly depressed. I have definitely been tempted here and there, when the thought of a glass of after-work red wine seemed to have been the correct and best solution to the empty space opening up at the end of one thing and the beginning of another. That "another" could have ended up in a dulled stupor, but I did not give into the thoughts. The thoughts are mostly of the type: "drinking wine is the solution." But it never is. That is the gift of wisdom, the wisdom of having followed this faulty logic over and over again for years.

What preceded this sudden desire to stop drinking? Meditation. I casually joined a local Buddhist meditation group, a sangha, earlier this autumn and some realizations dawned on me. One of the keys to being fully present, which is central to meditation, is that you fully experience, without resistance, everything that is going on--the good thoughts, the bad thoughts, the good/bad feelings, the irrational/rational, the irrelevant/irreverent, the profound--everything that happens in the mind. It is actually quite interesting once you begin to observe what is there in the mind. What was beginning to conflict with my meditation study and practice was being under the influence of alcohol, whether being intoxicated or hung over.

Drinking interfered with experiencing and accepting the moment as it is and therefore, impeded my ability to meditate. When I realized this, I stopped. I said, I would stop for a month--October. But I really want to not drink anymore at all. I think it is very interesting that meditation, specifically, vipassana, which is mindfulness meditation, has given me this profound insight. That is, vipassana is not only there to help you relax and be happy, it is there to allow you to understand things like you have never understood them before because you have automatically believed certain thoughts and done the same behaviors repeatedly without reflecting on how they are serving you. Mindfulness is all about observing things as they are and it's strange and amazing what you actually notice! Like, I knew deep down that drinking was not in my best interest because I was using it as a crutch and it was unhealthy. But I didn't *notice* it truly until I started to meditate. Noticing, I realize, is not an intellectual thing. It is spiritual.

Ultimately, this habit that I have supported for half of my life--alcohol--is one tremendous obstacle that has stopped me from accepting, observing, and meditating. And all of these years, I used it to protect me, when in reality, it was shielding me from what I really needed--acceptance, not only of myself, but of everything. Alcohol was shielding me, like an imperfect parent, from what I needed to see to get to the true experience of life. Finally, at the age of 41, I can say good bye to it, my false parent.

I've been drinking, I've been drinking...

I have decided to stop drinking. I stopped, in fact, on October 1st, roughly a month ago. I am 41 years old and I've been drinking alcohol for half my life and I have finally realized that it is doing me in. Not in a melodramatic Days of Wine and Roses type way, or in an Alcoholic Anonymous way, but in a straight up, drinking alcohol doesn't make logical sense and it never really has epiphany type way in which I have questioned all the reasons why I do it and none of them made sense. Why?

I am tired of hangovers and wasting time feeling physically bad and emotionally depressed. But, I never drank more than three glasses of wine, which is actually a lot of alcohol, but an amount that most people wouldn't bat an eye at. And still, alcohol is an addictive drug--how does one "just have one glass," which is the recommended amount for women per day. That's bullshit--who has just one glass? I am tired of depending on wine as a crutch in the same way I did for cigarettes, which I also quit, fifteen years ago. Everybody drinks; wine is water these days. But it causes more problems than it purports to solve. It doesn't really relax you, you just think it does. Also, if you drink regularly, the reason why you feel relaxed when you take a drink is because of withdrawal--having a drink is a mild form of hair of the dog that bit you.

I read a great book, Kick the Drink Easily by Jason Vale and he basically uses cognitive behavioral principles to allow you to see the error in your thinking about drinking. And it is really powerful. I haven't drunk any alcohol in a month and I really want to make it a permanent thing.

I realize that my entire adulthood has been accompanied by drinking--the stories of my drunk, absent father as genetic cautionary tale to bar hopping in college and throughout my twenties, to evenings at home with culturally acceptable bottles and bottles of "antioxident rich" red wine. It's good for you!

I am debunking this theory and musing out loud about my new life. I want to start writing here as a way to log in about not drinking but also, to understand the past as it relates to my present and future, without alcohol. I don't want to mystify or romanticize alcohol, because I think it is part of the problem, but I do want to sort it all out. I do think there is a post-AA sober revolution happening right now that has a lot to do with other mind/body movements that have become more mainstream in recent years. Hopefully, I can use this space to work it all out fruitfully...