Vipassana and alcohol

So far, I haven't had a drink yet. Since October 1st, when I decided to do "Ocsober," I haven't had a glass of wine, beer, or liquor. Mentally and emotionally, I haven't been happier or more stable. I haven't woken up feeling horribly depressed. I have definitely been tempted here and there, when the thought of a glass of after-work red wine seemed to have been the correct and best solution to the empty space opening up at the end of one thing and the beginning of another. That "another" could have ended up in a dulled stupor, but I did not give into the thoughts. The thoughts are mostly of the type: "drinking wine is the solution." But it never is. That is the gift of wisdom, the wisdom of having followed this faulty logic over and over again for years.

What preceded this sudden desire to stop drinking? Meditation. I casually joined a local Buddhist meditation group, a sangha, earlier this autumn and some realizations dawned on me. One of the keys to being fully present, which is central to meditation, is that you fully experience, without resistance, everything that is going on--the good thoughts, the bad thoughts, the good/bad feelings, the irrational/rational, the irrelevant/irreverent, the profound--everything that happens in the mind. It is actually quite interesting once you begin to observe what is there in the mind. What was beginning to conflict with my meditation study and practice was being under the influence of alcohol, whether being intoxicated or hung over.

Drinking interfered with experiencing and accepting the moment as it is and therefore, impeded my ability to meditate. When I realized this, I stopped. I said, I would stop for a month--October. But I really want to not drink anymore at all. I think it is very interesting that meditation, specifically, vipassana, which is mindfulness meditation, has given me this profound insight. That is, vipassana is not only there to help you relax and be happy, it is there to allow you to understand things like you have never understood them before because you have automatically believed certain thoughts and done the same behaviors repeatedly without reflecting on how they are serving you. Mindfulness is all about observing things as they are and it's strange and amazing what you actually notice! Like, I knew deep down that drinking was not in my best interest because I was using it as a crutch and it was unhealthy. But I didn't *notice* it truly until I started to meditate. Noticing, I realize, is not an intellectual thing. It is spiritual.

Ultimately, this habit that I have supported for half of my life--alcohol--is one tremendous obstacle that has stopped me from accepting, observing, and meditating. And all of these years, I used it to protect me, when in reality, it was shielding me from what I really needed--acceptance, not only of myself, but of everything. Alcohol was shielding me, like an imperfect parent, from what I needed to see to get to the true experience of life. Finally, at the age of 41, I can say good bye to it, my false parent.